Friday, 28 November 2014


I've grown up telling the world that I'm a tom boy. Or was it the world telling me? I don't know, honestly. But I do know that I didn't scream, 'I am a tom boy!' when they cut my umbilical cord. I learnt the term when I heard people use it, right? Then, perhaps, I chose to apply it to myself. Because it's easier that way, isn't it, describing your personality in two syllables? The world sees you in a better light if you fit one neat category.
But, did I know that as a kid? No, duh. I just thought it was a cool pair of words, and yes, maybe I could associate those words with myself somehow. Maybe I thought they fit me better than any other words. (Maybe I just had a poor vocabulary.)

Light, as most of you would know, is an electromagnetic wave, and it travels in multiple planes. But when you pass this light through a polaroid, the component of the electromagnetic field of light that is perpendicular to the polaroid gets absorbed. The light that then passes through has a lower intensity, moves in a single plane, and is called polarized light.

I believe human beings are similar to light, in that they have multiple layers to their personality. Not unlike a polaroid, society - or civilisation - acts as a filter. At an early age, you become a well-groomed individual, and that grooming involves shedding your quirky layers. When you come out on the other side, you don't even realise that you now exist in a single plane, and are a low-intensity version of yourself.

Society, pea-brained as it is, expects people to exist in tidy rows and columns, like numbers on a spreadsheet. It doesn't understand that humans were borne of chaos. And what is this society made up of? Humans. We want to create order out of chaos, and that can lead to something beautiful if it's applied correctly. But if order leads to animosity, to people being forced to have a monochromatic, plane-polarized existence, I'll choose chaos any day.

I know, I know, major tangent. Sorry about that. I didn't write this post to discuss broad subjects. Society. The world. People.
Nope, none of that. Today I'm going to act more self-centred than usual, and talk about myself.

So, what type of person am I? Am I an introverted nerd? Am I a social butterfly? Am I a tom boy? Am I a girly girl? Am I brave? Am I craven? Am I polite? Am I rude? Am I a fucking elf from Ellesmera?
I'm none of that. Or maybe I'm all of these things (except the last one, of course), but not JUST. I am much more than that, and everything in-between.

I may be extremely polite at times, and at others, I might curse like a sailor. I can be found wearing faded jeans, or a short dress, or sweat pants, or an ethnic suit, or even dorky overalls! One minute I'll be drooling over Benedict Cumberbatch, the next I'll have moved on to Emma Watson. One hour I might have my head full of physics/chemistry, the next one my art supplies will be out and I'll be painting my shoes or some such. One day I'll be reading gay fanfiction, the next I'll be watching the Hulk do some serious butt-kicking. I might come off as egotistic when I talk, or humble as a Hobbit; kind and empathetic, or a snarky bitch. One day I'll spend studying for twelve hours straight, the next I'll waste away on the intertubes. I may have fun arm-wrestling guys in my class (and beating a few at it), but I equally enjoy talking about shoes and dresses.

There are many other sides to me - lots of other extremities and lots of intermediates. So, being labelled? Not my speed. I am an ordinary person, and like all ordinary people, I am a complex human being living a chaotic existence. And that, most certainly, is NOT a reference to my clumsiness.
Put it this way: I am Kanika Kalra, I do what I want, and fuck you.

I read that line in a fanfic. This seemed as good a place and time as any to use it. :3


  1. Very unpolarized indeed! One can't just categorize human existence and limit it to a few words. And knowing you personally, I am aware of your many dimensions. Well written...

    1. Thanks, Grover! :)
      I'm waiting for you to write something new; you haven't posted in a while!

  2. Amazing. Its not just the quality of language but also the fact that you are so aware and assured of yourself, that makes this such a pleasant read ;)

    1. Hey, Richa!
      Actually, I rarely ever feel so sure of myself. Writing about it makes it easier, though. And, thank you. :D

  3. Very well written and fun to read :)

  4. Thanks, Ishani! :)
    (This time I know it's you, lurking in the shadows... :P)

  5. Okay. Kanika, like I said after reading this for the first time, it is so totally you. But the best part is how you get your message across to the reader so effortlessly. And also Physics. This deserves a lot of appraisal. Really. Except, I want proof that you beat guys at arm wrestling. I don't believe it :P ( I am just jealous. I can bat anyone at the eye staring waala thing though, if that counts for something :3 )

    1. *gasps*
      How dare you insinuate that I'm a fraud? I'll have you know, I've got numerous eye witnesses. Surely some of them will be willing to testify!
      Also, thank you so much. :D :P

  6. I would love to cite the myriad examples of our dear friend Kanika beating the shit out of the aplha-men in our class. Isha must believe Kanika on this.

  7. This is very nice. I wanted to write a deep thoughtful post for my blog and when I sat down yesterday, I realized that I just couldn't!

    This is the kind of thoughtful writing I would want to do. Also, the ending was pretty badass! :D

    1. It's exactly the opposite with me! Try as I might, I just can't write humour that doesn't sound forced. But you are awesome at it, Jalebi Man.
      Thanks a lot for reading and appreciating! :)